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[ BEHIND THE MUSIC...BEHIND ON THE RENT ]
Maggot Brain Beloved celebrities at the very peak of their
stardom, losing it all: TLC, Toni Braxton, a pre-Hollywood Will Smith, an MC
Hammer wannabe named Vanilla Ice, and an MC Hammer useta-be named Hammer. All of which raises a very intriguing question: why is the road to celebrity bankruptcy so littered with singers, rappers and assorted music makers, while other famous folk -- actors, athletes, elected officials -- have managed to evade the pitfalls of premature brokedom. Think about it: when was the last time you heard
about Scottie Pippen having his Range Rover re-possessed or Denzel Washington
having to move back in with his Mama? Wonder no more!
Reason #1: THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS
SLEAZY. Imagine, if you will, a child pornographer. Let's call him Sam (yes, I'm going
somewhere with this --be patient). In
Sam's spare time, his hobbies are: drug dealing, shoplifting, making fun of
retarded people and closing down nursing homes. Sam may not sound like a wonderfully warm human being, but know
this: Sam would have to be ten times sleazier to be a record executive. Record executives are sleazy, greedy people who,
with the help of even sleazier, greedier people (called record company
attorneys) make contracts which are singed (but typically not thoroughly
read) by musicians. These contracts
contain fine print, which say -- often in
dizzyingly cryptic terms -- that the musicians are "financially
liable" for such things as touring costs, recording costs and -- surprise!
-- attorney's fees. They also state
that the advance the musician is receiving
-- and probably already spending -- comes directly out of their future
royalties. What this means is that the music-maker who thinks
he's inking a deal for 7 million, is actually inking a deal for about 5
million. If you've ever stared slack-jawed at the pages of
Vibe/Rolling Stone/Billboard magazine wondering how someone could go broke
making 5 million dollars a year, you now know how: they THOUGHT they making 7 million a year. And if you don't know anybody who can spend 5
million dollars a year, you don't know any musicians. Which brings me to... Reason
#2: MUSICIANS SPEND A LOT OF MONEY
When it comes to spending portraits of dead
slave owners, musicians are, as Ali would say, The Greatest of All Time. Musicians are the undisputed heavyweight
champions of the world. And there is no rematch. Most people dream of driving a nice car; musicians
dream of driving a Buick made of gold with a trunk full of cocaine while
licking barbecue sauce off the
stomach of their supermodel girlfriend. Musicians can't do anything small; it's not in
their nature. When it comes to accessorising, glamorising, and
over-the-top fashion mesmerizing, musicians have blindingly extreme
sensibilities that are surpassed only by those of pimps. So let's add it up: you've got a
rapper, knuckleheadedly spending cash he doesn't have on a girlfriend he
can't afford while driving a car he won't own three months from now. What
does that give us?
Hammer, talking on the phone with Toni Braxton,
wondering if Vanilla Ice ever got that loan from TLC. SOMEBODY'S got to have some money. |
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